Ramifications
by Menolly Harper
Summary: Remus at seventeen, reflecting upon the little and the big things in life that his friends have done for him which he thought that no one ever would. One-shot


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or said HP universe characters that J.K. Rowling created.**

**Ramifications**

_By Menolly Harper_

When did I become this way?

Talkative that is. I just cannot seem to shut up. I didn't used to be this way at all; I was alone.

But now, now I cannot seem to go two minutes without talking, even talking about nothing. I am fading out of the margins of which I set as the borderlines of myself.

When did this happen?

I don't recall this either sudden or rapid change in personality and behavior. Or perhaps it was extra slow, so that it crept up on me so that I would not notice this absurd transformation.

I like to be around people yet I hate it; I yearn for my solitude when I become prisoner to social activities. Yet now more and more I find myself unsatisfied with only my books, music, or writings to keep in my company.

Now when I walk about my room it is more of a restless pace or a listless trudge. Only light hearted am I when there is a glimmer of hope to get away and out of my walls and be another person; a free person. Now I am yet unmotivated to pick up one of my favorite books, or even a new one.

I waste away until I hear another voice and then crave for intelligent or even raggedly plain conversations.

I am somewhat disgusted at the thought of being so very needy.

More and more does 'hanging out' appeal to me. Only still with certain friends though. Friends. Not acquaintances, not flippant social climbers, but true friends. Another thing that is so different in my life. I was always alone. Even people who thought that I was their friend; I was just being detached with a polite front.

I was always taught to be polite and tolerant. But now it wasn't just a manner instilled in me since I was little, now it grew into a natural façade that I never unmasked. Though it was not really me, or how I thought sometimes, I could not let this habitual behavior drop. My front, as I called it – always hid my emotions, never let anyone inside the walls – never let me be vulnerable…never let me hurt.

As the saying goes, "If you don't get close, and you don't let anyone in, then you can never get hurt."

But there should be a side note to that saying, as a warning. This should say that even if you never get hurt, you become very lonely.

As was I deeply friendless and shunned – unaccepted.

But I pushed it aside like all of my emotions and delved myself deeper into books and philosophy. These objects were only objects. With not malice, no will to cause me pain and suffering, I could trust these safe havens of paper and ink.

It is interesting on how one cab be so innocent and loving at one point in time and then pessimistic and cruel in only but the blink of an eye. A drop of blood is only as a drop of wine in the world of socialites and drunkards.

My blood is worth even less.

Ignorance was my bliss, even my family's bliss.

Ignorance of my existence was bliss to the entire world.

How I yearned for such a kind gift. But now, even though I do not wish to stand out for fear of rejection, I still wish to be noticed if only a little.

Its funny how there can be an awkward silence even when people are talking all around you.

That you van never be satisfied being around people or being alone. Both are not pleasing me. I used to have my day fulfilled when I was alone. But now I crave companionship.

But I am still not like everyone else, I am not considered like everyone else is. If they were to figure out what I am they would shun me. They would condemn my very existence.

With the exception of three people. The only three people that have never shuddered, never given me a disgusted glare for as long as they have known about my darkness and before they found out.

The darkness that threatens to tear out at every weak moment I have. I have to keep myself from hurting the very people that I care for deeply. The only ones that have ever truly accepted me for who and what I am and so they are my true friends; they are not even afraid.

Even my family harbors a lingering fear of what I am, of what I become.

My family never did what my friends have done for me. My friends risked their lives, the rules of the school, and the law of the world that rejects me. My parents never did such a thing for me, they never really sacrificed themselves for my sake of mind.

Now the old scars are starting to finally fade instead of becoming ripped anew. I am finally being saved a little.

Physically.

Mentally.

Emotionally.

Little by little ever day, a tiny part of my dead tortured soul is revived and healed. I still do not let my dear friends know my true feelings about most matters. With them, life is carefree, planning our next adventure, never turning back, and never letting the darker side of things bring us down.

We are the Marauders, the brave, the careful, the flamboyant, and the free.

Our memories may be the only thing we may have to hold onto once we are older.

But now, my two friends Sirius and James know. They know my restlessness; they know that I cage myself, my true self.

They know my hesitance; my secret agony. They try to help me, to bring me out of my shell, my barricade that I built around my heart, so that no one could hurt me, not even myself. Walls that I had constructed long ago, that I have perfected since.

Though not completely perfect after all I have come to realize. If I were not so weak, and so emotional, then they would never have known me.

One time one told me, "If only you would have been a better liar, then we wouldn't have figured it out…but you were never good at lying, you still aren't Rem…"

You are right Siri…I'm still not good at lying.

My am I glad for small favors.

If otherwise of course, I never would have befriended you Siri, or James, or Peter.

I fear for the world after our graduation.

I wonder what one would think if they ever read this little ramification of mine.

Signing off for now,

_-Remus J. Lupin_

Well, another fanfiction, another one-shot. I hope everyone reading this enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I felt a bit sad while writing it, thinking of the hells of prejudice people in actual reality face….

Well, on a lighter note, if you are a Rurouni Kenshin fan, please look forward to my upcoming Saitoh fic, as well as my update of my Misao/Aoshi fic, which will be updated no later than this weekend!

Please don't forget to review!


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